Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Daily Regrets

So, as I mentioned previously, I've recently dropped about 10-12 lbs.....I'm not forgetting that I had gained 20....so I'm not bragging, btw....but, I really tortured myself for quite awhile, a few months, if not a year.....I got tired. I couldn't take how much energy it took to hate myself and I knew something had to give.

Over 4 years ago when I decided to map out a dieting strategy, I knew, for a fact, that lots of things had to change, but there was really only one thing I could not live without, and that was real cream in my coffee....every morning. Coffee is what makes me want to live, lol! And I have to drink it "my way", or I will kill someone. So, I factored in the calories for 2 tbls. of real cream in my coffee every morning, and any other sacrifice I had to make was worth that particular one I didn't or felt I couldn't make. (I still, out of habit, measure my cream with a measuring spoon every morning)

Overeating is a habit I've fallen into most of my life, I acknowledge that, but I won't own the fact that I'm an "overeater". In fact it was the biggest reason I was turned off to OA (overeaters anonymous). I've been known to overeat, but I can change that anytime.....and I do....or I don't...it's my choice.

Back to the point.....

I haven't counted calories in years because I know how much I'm eating. I've counted so many calories, for so long, that I consider myself an expert....give or take a few calories here and there. But, I am a believer in calorie counting because I don't think most people know how much food they consume, or they chose to be in denial, clinging to the fact that they eat "healthy", and although they don't exercise regularly, or at all, they consider themselves pretty active, "on the go", so they must be burning some calories that way, right? (hate the BodyBugs).

So, if I'm a believer in counting calories, and I haven't been counting calories, how have I managed to drop a few pounds? Well, one of the things I do is to ask myself, before I plan to eat something, or a particularly large portion of something, a few questions......

"Are you really hungry?" You know, sometimes I'm not really hungry! Sometimes I "run" into food, lol Free food is an example of this occurrance. When I run into free food...samples, little candies at stores or banks, or God Forbid some kind of potluck....free food is a mind f**k. Again, as I've written about before, growing up with "less" makes me want to make up for all of the things I didn't get, or have, by taking everything, (hoarding), and anything, that is "free".....as if I'll never get a chance to have it again.

I finally convinced myself of the truth.....I already have too much. I can have anything I want any time I want it, and there's plenty for everyone, mostly for me. My world is full of abundance everywhere, and there's no such thing as waste.


"Do you really want/have to eat this?"(this ususally refers to candy or some other sugary, or salty, ready made convenience food). You know what? Sometimes I do! But that doesn't mean I have to go on an all out and binge. In fact just the action of allowing myself to eat candy and other sweets, somehow, makes me happy enough to eat less.

I'll eat a peice of candy, and wait....do I want another? Sometimes I do, so I'll eat another. Lots of times that'll be it....but what if I want another? Then I'll eat it....and another? Yep, I'll eat it. I can't remember the last time I ate more than two candies at a time, or more than 2 candies in a day.....but I could if I wanted to....but for some reason I haven't wanted to.


"If you don't eat this what are you telling yourself?" This kind of refers to the last question. I remind myself that when I don't allow myself to have something, it's ususally because "I'm not supposed to" Only the fat, stupid, lazy, and unsuccessful eat candy and/or junk food....oh, and the low class (notice how all of these descriptions are related to eachother .....screw the judgements skinny people have, lol)

There is nothing wrong with eating a piece of candy (or two), a fast food burger (but not fries, lol), fats, carbs, sugars, etc.....a couple glasses of wine (OK, a bottle, lol)....whatever. You, I, know when we are eating too much...c'mon. Don't beat yourself up for the kinds of foods you want to eat, but don't be a victim to the "I really don't eat that much.".....guess what? you do! lol I believe a person can eat whatever they want to, but in moderation. What's moderation? The question is not "What is moderation?", but, "Why can't I eat in moderation?"....that's the bigger question (another blogpost for another time)

(long story teller....)

"Will you regret eating this, or "this much". Why do you feel as if you have to eat this huge portion?" Lots of times this question keeps me from eating impulsively, compulsively, or mindlessly. Lots of times I'll make, and serve, myself this humongous salad, because it's salad afterall, and I'll ask myself this question.....most times, lately, I'll take about 30% of the serving out, pack it up for the next day and be just as happy eating a smaller portion....in fact happier.

At the end of the day, the most important question is this. Can I look back at my day and indentify something I could have done differently? This blogpost is about eating, so the real questions are, "Did I eat something today I could have lived without?" Did everything I ate today make my day better?" "Did everything I ate today make me happy?" "Did I chose what to eat, or did I let it choose me?"

Last night I was putting dinner away around 7:30pm.....ah, freshly made food......of course I ended up shoving a few, big, spoonfuls (a few too many really describes it, lol), into my mouth ("shoving" is what you do when you're not in control)....totally complusive. Why? It was after 6:00pm and I don't eat after 6....I'm not "allowed".....well then I had to..... If I allowed myself to have some, then I would've taken a bowl, scooped out a portion, put the rest away, and I'd be able to look back on yesterday with no regrets.....

But really, the reason why I don't eat after 6:00pm is because physically I don't feel good if I eat after 6:00pm, and I know this. Why did I do it? It doesn't matter. Maybe I was just triggered by the sight, the smell of the food I was putting away, or maybe I was just plain hungry! It's 5:46pm right now.... I better go eat something, lol! No regrets. At least not today.....and that's OK....it's better than OK....life is good.

My life is good, Food is good. Eating is good. We are good.

Decide what you can live without, and what you can't live without. I feel that "rewarding" yourself with those small acceptions gives you power. In the beginning, for me, it was cream in my coffee. Now it may be a couple of pieces of candy everyday, a couple of glasses of wine every day, a handful of chips...whatever (high qualiy problems). My body is a reflection of my choices, and I must, I must, be happy with my choices....they are my choices afterall.

But everyday I can chose something different. Feeling good about myself no matter what my choices are, no matter what I weigh, no matter how much I train, no matter who likes me or not, feeling good about myself means having no regrets.

PS (I'm a work in progress. I'm not perfect, only perfectly fine, and perfectly good. When I write these blogposts they are only a reflection of my current thoughts about how to live my life feeling good. My life is full of things not related to food and eating.....I get to see my grandaughters first tooth tomorrow!)

6 comments:

于名于倫 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Diana said...

I, now, feel so much better about myself for eating my one and only PEEP the other day!
And to boot? It was a chocolate covered PEEP made at a "fancy" chocolate store!
OMG..........it was so f**king good!

Tracy Reifkind said...

Diana,

I'm surprised that "Peeps" aren't my thing.....I love most things made with nothing but sugar!

Here's the real question....How many bites did you get out of that one chocolate covered Peep?

Diana said...

That's a loaded question.......kind of like trying to get the answer for " how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop"!!!!!

Tracy Reifkind said...

I knew it! One, huh?

Diana said...

What can I say? It was a "small" PEEP!
Hahahahaha