I've had alot of anger show up during my yoga classes these past few months. Anger, depression, feelings of defeat, and failure. Feeling angry is not fun, and I don't like it! Anger is not pretty. Anger is "hard", not soft. Anger is not yoga. What am I so angry about?
Well, if I had to answer that question off the top of my head I would say that I'm angry that my practice sucks....it sucks compared to my practice 1 year ago. At least I think it sucks. My practice is harder than it's ever been, and up until recently I blamed it on the extra bodyweight I had gained over the past year. Think about it.....put a 20lb backpack on and try to do all of the same physical stuff you normally do.....try some yoga poses with a 20lb backpack on and let me know how that goes for you! Was I angry about the extra weight? Hell yes. OR was I angry because I let this extra weight take my practice from me, a practice I was proud of, and worked hard for. Yikes, did I just become a victim of this extra bodyweight? It was time to take it back! Take back my ability, my talent, my skill and my hard work.
For months I suffered being a victim of this extra weight. I let my bodyweight keep me from felling good about myself, keep me from having a good practice, keep me from being proud of my practice. It still affects me....I'm not perfect. Yesterday was a good example because it put me to the test....seriously! You should of heard me swearing under my breath and fighting the "pissy" look I'm sure I was trying to hide on my face! My emotions ran the whole gamut.....disappointment at who was teaching, avoidence because I wanted to skip class and just go home, determination because I wasn't going to give up and let it get to me, calmness because I knew if I didn't remind myself to stay calm it was going to feel like torture, and I'm tired of feeling tortured in yoga....it's painful....now sometimes I can embrace pain, you know, "No pain, no gain", but that's physical pain....different than emotional pain. Then, to top things off, I didn't like what I wore to class.
I know what's important in my yoga practice, I wrote about it just hours before class. Stillness....do you know how hard it is to look straight into your own eyes and be still? Look into your own eyes and remind yourself that you're capable, strong enough, soft enough, smart enough, that you're going to be OK....more than OK?
I survived. I did better than survive, I left in a better mood than I came with. My practice was good, I still don't like this teachers class but who knows, she may become my favorite! I'll be sure and let you know if that happens!
PS I just looked at the yoga class schedule for the next week, and guess who's teaching my next class? Yep!