Monday, June 24, 2013

Enough Already....let's get on with it!

I am seriously lovin' my life these days.  I look forward to teaching and leading my classes, I love my new Kettlebell Sport friends (more like family), my yoga practice is practically back in full  force and better that ever.  I feel more relaxed about almost everything and I'm okay!  (minus a couple of hot flashes! lol)  I kind of know why, the details I will keep private, but the big picture is that I started being true to myself....again  And I can't say that I planned it, it just seemed to all of a sudden come back together.

A casual yoga friend of mine said something to me last week that kind of shocked me....  She asked me how I was doing, in reference to my practice and injury, and I told her I was doing much better once I got over my anger about it....and she said;

"Well, you're angry!"

OR

"Well, you're an angry person!"

I can't remember exactly, but either one, it's still the same thing!

Wow!  Really?  Gulp...wow, really?  Do I come across angry...or does my anger come across?  And after she said it I didn't defend myself, I just sat with her words.....

I knew the question I had to ask myself was NOT am I angry (?), but do I come across angry?  And, yes, I think I do.  I do think that the hurt, turned anger, from all kinds of stuff from the beginning of my life, throughout my childhood, into my teen years, continuing into my adult life, and still now, does in fact come across.

I do not want to be angry and I certainly DO NOT want to be described as "that angry woman".  I used to try and make fun of my anger and describe myself as "a tough crowd"...in other words judgmental!

Before Mark and I "officially" met, we both would run into each other at Gold's Gym in downtown San Jose (back in the 80's).  I was sooooo NOT interested in him at all, and he, although he has told me that when he saw me he thought I was beautiful, ( I was 24 years old!  What's not beautiful at 24? lol), he also described me as "the girl that hated the world"!

As I approach middle age (in less than two months time) my schedule all of a sudden is allowing me to take advantage of what Tracy wants to do.  Thank you God!  Really?  How lucky can one girl be in one lifetime?

I'm starting to remind myself to not sweat the small stuff.  So much time and energy put into self criticism these past few years.  Maybe it was the pressure of having to sell a book, or prove a legitimate place in the world of training kettlebells.  Today, this week, none of that matters to me.  I am who I am, and I do what I do. Being "selfish" can be misinterpreted. Caring about your own health, vitality, and physical condition doesn't mean that you don't care about anyone else's.  You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.  The key is to lead.  Lead by example.  And that is exactly what Mark did, and has done for over 25 years....he has always been true to himself, while taking care of me and our family.

Right now I do not have to compromise, and I pray, I believe, if I stay true to myself, lighten up, appreciate, forgive, move on, and love, that only good will happen.  And if something other than good happens, then I must trust and believe that good will follow, and I do.

Enough already!  I've got a ton of fun planned for tomorrow and I can't wait!  A good night's sleep and up and at 'em in the morning!

I got it! I come across angry and I don't want to come across that way, or better yet I don't want to be that way!  I really and truly, from the bottom of my heart, have nothing to be angry about.  Not one darn thing.

Now, let's get back to having some fun!  The Swing Quest 2013, this weekend, be there or be square! More details to come tomorrow!

Picture above of Mark and me taken in August, 2008 at the UCLA Cert, almost 5 years ago!



10 comments:

Andrea Reyna said...

I think that comment would make me angry! I see you as a ball of energy, not anger. I wonder if any of that perception of you has to do with wider gender expectations?

Tracy Reifkind said...

Andrea,

I appreciate your comment and defense of my behavior, BUT as I often joke about how I let my anger and irritation get out of my control while driving, I confess I let it get the best of my during my yoga practice too. It's one of those things that you have to kind of witness! And I'm not proud...but I'm not ashamed either.

You kind of know a different side of me....outside of the yoga room!

I agree that I tend to be passionate and dramatic, and that can be misinterpreted. But, some of that passion and drama also comes from anger. OR as I explained to Mark, "the habit of anger", not really believing that I am currently angry at anything, it's just that I may have not yet fully let go....

Diana said...

I never get angry at the people God provides to be truthful with me. All people should speak the truth in love, but they SHOULD speak the truth!

Now a days we have to dance around everyone's insecurities. The world would be a better, happier place if we could talk to each other instead of about each other!

Welcome to hot flashes....and NO they don't go away when you remove parts either!

Maribel said...

I wouldn't say angry...I would say you are an Intense person. I say it because I feel I'm the same way. You intensely love something or intensely hate it. I don't think there's anything wrong with showing emotion. But recognizing negative emotions and processing them is what I try to do.

My husband is a super mellow person and sometimes when he says "calm down" I say no...this is how I process things. I need to process all my feelings...happiness, sadness, anger...all of them. It's when I don't that I become a nasty person.

I don't know, maybe because I can recognize it in you that I don't see you as an angry person, but more as someone who is processing something.

I'll say that I know I'm a lucky because I have someone who understands this about me and never takes it personal when I'm "processing" and you have Mark.

We're really are lucky ladies.

ps. I'm not defending or justifying bad behavior. That's different. But since I can recognize it, I can stay away from people or not direct it towards them....if that makes any sense.

Yogi Steve said...

Angry is something that happens in the moment, it's not something you are.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Diana,

I didn't take her comment as anything other than her observation, and I don't believe she meant anything other that just that.

What bothered me was I know she reads my blog and FB posts so I was questioning my own actions and behaviors.

It's fine. In fact it's more than fine because now I'm aware.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Maribel,

In the past few days since this happened and since I wrote this post I realized why I'm so angry when I drive....it's because I ANGRY! Driving is just a safe place to express it.

Let me correct what I just wrote...I am not angry, but I am holding on to some anger! It's actually a relief!

Does your husband get angry when he drives? I'm curious!

Tracy Reifkind said...

Yogi Steve,

Thank you for reminding me of the difference!

I've also been described as "mean" (believe it or not, but by some of my "loved ones", lol). to which I always reply;

I can act mean, but I am not mean person.

So in the same fashion;

I can act angry, but I am not angry person!

Maribel said...

Tracy,

Nope...I've never seen him angry when driving.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Maribel....I suspected not!