Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Truth and Two Blogs

Writing blog posts for LMPP (Living My Physical Potential) is much easier, because I have to keep a training log, and if I tape a video, it's only one video...easy to download, and I'm not picky about how I look necessarily, because it's the training that's important, not whether you brushed your hair that morning, lol! LMPP is also directed to anyone interested in straight forward kettlebell routines as well as my general training and health philosophy.

But good Lord it's hard to keep 2 blogs going, lol! This one especially, because I like to include pictures and instruction alot of times, and I'm really picky about my pictures! Well, as picky as I can be since I have no knowledge or background in photography. I may take 30-50 pictures of the same bowl of soup to get an image I think looks, somewhat, like something anyone would want to duplicate, or be inspired enough to try something similar. Also, I'm not a "computer" person! Thank God I had a typing class in high school, otherwise my hands might of never touched a keyboard in my life! Blah, blah, blah, but here's the truth.......

This blog, Food and Thought is much more personal....or at least I want it to be. So let me share something with you. I have experienced more depression about my weight, and I have cried more since the beginning of this year than my entire life combined, especially since Springtime (I'm overexaggerating, of course...I have a tendency to be dramatic, lol). The amount of time it's taken me to truly recover from my surgery was unexpected, as well as having some personal family upset. The stress created from these situations has also created a challenge maintaining the bodyweight I say I want to be, which creates more stress.

Since my surgery in Dec. and the forced time off of training I had only seen my pre-surgery weight a couple of times, but more instances of compulsive, and binge eating during the Spring months, caused me to gain about 5lbs. I started to train harder, thinking I could "train" it off, instead it increased muscle, therefore increasing my weight another couple of pounds. The only reason why I didn't gain more weight (in my opinion) was I was always able to follow a high calorie day (binge) with a fasting, or very low calorie day.....and I never missed a workout! Even if that meant burping up cookies during a 104 degree yoga class, lol! During this time of binge and compulsive eating, I was never fearful of gaining all of my weight back.....never. I will never be fat again, that I know. But I did question what kind of example could I be if I couldn't lose a measley 5-10 lbs. Many times I asked myself the question, "Why am I having this experience? What am I supposed to learn from this?"

Finally, for whatever reason the bingeing subsided early summer, but with our busy travel schedule, I would diet between trips, get my weight under control, and then be triggered like crazy by the absence of my routine and gain as much as 4-5lbs in one weekend! (The last trip to the Sept RKC I left weighing 134-135, I came back to the scale on Monday @140!) It would take at least 2 weeks for me to recover and bring my weight back down after each trip, or event that took us away from home.

No matter how strict I dieted the scale wouldn't budge, even increasing after a 900 calorie day! I'm not used to that! It had never been a problem for me to lose weight during the week, eating big portions of lovely, healthy, natural foods, and allowing myself to have a cheat day, while maintaining 129-132lbs. Now it was different. Is it my age? Is it that I'm still just eating too much food? Is it the cortisol levels in my body created by stress? Has my body become so sensitive to some foods that I'm gaining weight on squash soup?

Without going on, and on, and on in this blog post, I will write about more specific experiences related to these past few months in the next few weeks. But the reason why it's been so hard for me to write on this blog is because I was ashamed of what I saw as failure. Failure to "walk the walk" because I couldn't get my bodyweight where I said I wanted it to be. Ashamed that I gained weight, ashamed that I've seen 140 on the scale, and wanting to hide. Feeling like I'm under a spotlight being judged like any other former fat girl people expect to gain the weight back....didn't we all wait for Oprah to gain her weight back? And others like Kirstie Alley, Carni Wilson, Star Jones to gain weight back?

Some of the things I learned, and what I'll write about are;

Stress and bodyweight
Calorie counting, and the types of calories you eat
Weighing yourself everday
Junk miles
Overeating "clean" foods
Moving forward towards health and gaining forward motmentum
Can you let go without giving up?
Compassion, being you own harshest critic
Loving where you are, because it's a great place to be!

The biggest lesson? It's much easier to give advice, than to take it, LOL!

Life is good, be gentle with yourself.

19 comments:

Crystal Schulz said...

Hi Tracy,

I can SO relate to this blog! You are an inspiration and I enjoy ALL of you even if it is 8 pounds more than you'd like! : )
Keep posting the training and the thoughts because I get more inspiration from those who are transparent with their struggles than those who only dish out advice.

All the best,
Crystal

neca said...

Not only are you an inspiration, but your recipes and food ideas are so helpful to me. We have the same tastes in foods, so you are a terrific source of new ideas.

No reasonable person expects perfection - except maybe out of themself! :-O your honestly helps me to be more gentle with myself as well.

Hugs.

Christine said...

Tracy, this post seriously made me cry a little, because I can feel it in my own life. I never have gotten 'back on track' in the food department since Dad's diagnosis, and have learned the hard way that no, i can't just walk an extra few miles or do yoga and KBs back to back to work it off. It sucks - because I know exactly what I have to do - just as you do, just as everyone who reads this blog does - and yet, I make the wrong choice time after time. I love reading your blogs, I think of you as being superwoman - but I really love to see the humanness to what we all go through.

Teresa said...

What a brave post. I especially appreciate it because I can so relate. After maintaining right around 125, I stress-ate myself up to 130+, and I just can't seem to shake those measly 5# or so. I went so far a few months ago to buy a new scale because I couldn't believe my old one could be right, having been stuck on 130 no matter how much or how little I ate. Plus now my weight can fluctuate wildly day to day whereas I used to be really stable at the lower weight. So now I feel the old rules don't work anymore...maybe it's stress, hormones, age, whatever. But I don't like it!

So thanks for being so upfront about yourself. It helps...truly.

Pat said...

Wow, I can feel your pain and I agree with the stress issues. I have beat myself up over the same issue and later found that stess was the problem. Once I decided to put the scale on the back burner for a week or so. My weight went back to normal.

Pat said...

Wow, I can feel your pain and I agree with the stress issues. I have beat myself up over the same issue and later found that stess was the problem. Once I decided to put the scale on the back burner for a week or so. My weight went back to normal. I hope you can keep up the 2 blogs I love reading your thoughts and watching your training.

Pat

leslie said...

First of all, big hugs to you.

I lost 50 pounds in my mid-20s and it's good to be vigilant about weight creeping upwards. But to think that anyone is waiting for you to go back to who you were? No way! Impossible! What's so cool about what you share is that you share the WHOLE journey, not just the up times and the flattering moments. That's why so many are blessed by and benefit from what you write. Do I sound like president of your fan club? Probably, but it comes from the heart. I feel privileged to walk alongside you on your journey and to call you my friend!

Mark Reifkind said...

sorry leslie but that job( president of the Tracy fan club) is taken- by me!

Renee Yorkievitz, RKC said...

Tracy - You are the best! I echo what everbody has mentioned above! You are a true inspiration to more people than you know! When I first read your blog, it intrigued me so, that I went on to read months of your previous posts. Before I knew it, 3 hours had past (& that is the truth). Yours is an amazing story. I could relate to 80% of what you wrote. I understand you struggle & stress is a huge factor! Some people truly don't realize the damage elevated cortisol reaks on our bodies. I do the same as you...obsess over that stinkin' 5-8 pounds. And I beat myself up over the wrong food choices I make too. Stay strong Tracy - you are amazing woman! And remember life is too short not to enjoy a Reese's PB cup once in a while! :)

leslie said...

Mark -- I must've lost my head for a moment! It's is great being married to someone wonderful?

Tracy Reifkind said...

crystal,

"Those who only dish out advice"....good point.

Many times when I asked myself what was the lesson for me to learn from this experience I kept comming back to "greater compassion, and understanding".

Tracy Reifkind said...

Neca,

I can't even keep up on my ktichen journal...my kitchen is constantly a place of creativity and joy, and I'm thrilled to share it, I wish I had the energy to do more.

Mark Reifkind said...

Leslie,

yes it is,and I've had that blessing for almost 21 years now :))

Tracy Reifkind said...

Christine,

I have been thinking about you often, I don't know what my resistance to picking up the stinkin' phone is!

Anyway, I know you have been having a similar experience, and I didn't even get as detailed as you have been, but many similarities....

I remember when we first "blog met" (lol) and you described having about 5lbs you wanted to lose....I just didn't get it! It was easy for me to lose 5 lbs, in fact I lost too much weight, thank God I had the smarts to see it and my dis-ordered eating didn't turn dangerously anorexic. But now, calorie restriction hasn't worked....or should I say, hasn't worked fast enough, like it used to, and stepping on that scale to see the weight increase after a week of deprivation was heart breaking......I feel ya' girlfriend!

Tracy Reifkind said...

teresa,

I had and will always be able to relate to those who have been, or are, extremely overweight, but I just didn't "get" the person that was within 5-10lbs, and couldn't get it off! I thought it was crazy that a person could be so close to weight the say they wanted to be and not be able to get there...quick!

Our physical bodies can be very sensitive it seems. It doesn't come down to willpower and disipline sometimes, in fact I think those things can have the opposite effect.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Pat,

I don't blame food for my "eating" habits, and I don't blame the scale for my "emotional well being". Easy to say, hard to do when we see a stinkin' number we don't like it can wreck us.

I go back and forth on the ideas of how often a person should weigh themselves, and I'll write about my thoughts soon....

Tracy Reifkind said...

Leslie,

After living my life is such a positive way and with such a positive attitude these past few years, I admit I wasn't always that way!

The first thing most people say when hearing or seeing that someone has lost any amount of weight, especially a large amount, is "I wonder how long it will be before they gain it back (smirking)"

The odds of losing weight and keeping it off are so small, no one ever, really, expects anyone to keep it off, and maintain a healthy bodyweight for any length of time, much less the rest of their lives. Seriously, how many people do you know that have done this?

Ultimately I don't give a care about what anyone thinks of me, my problem was that I wanted to continue to be a positive force, not to cry and whine about 10 lbs., and be a drag, lol! Good Lord, there's no one more boring to be around than someone constantly on a diet, lol! (except, maybe, someone planning a wedding)

PS Marks and my song is "The greatest Fan of Your Life", and we'll probably play it when we renew our wedding vows next Spring.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Renee,

"And remember life is too short not to enjoy a Reese's PB cup once in a while!"

No offense, but that part of your comment is the 20% of what I write about you can't relate to. Really, I'm excited about our recent connection, but truly, my disordered eating habits are those similar to an alcoholic (no joke). The problem has never been ONE Reeses PNB cup.....this is an important point that needs to be expanded on, in a blog post, thank you for bringing it up!

Mark Reifkind said...

not probably,definitely.It's our song :))