Thursday, March 3, 2011

I've Never Been Happier about my Body

I've been wanting to write this blogpost for a while now, especially after this last weekends video shoot in LA. This blogpost is about how happy I am with my body. I've loved my body for the first time in my life for quite a while now, ever since I lost over 120lbs. But what I've put myself through for a large portion of the past 2 1/2 years has not been all fun.


Let's go back and start with this past weekend. When I showed up for makeup the morning of the shoot, I put my new Lululemon on, did my hair, and I have to say that I could not have felt better about how I looked that day. I truly felt as if there wasn't one thing I could have done differently that would have made any more of a difference...as Mark said, I "peaked". I did keep my diet slightly tighter the week before, but I still ate a bit of candy, drank a bit of wine. I also cut some things out, but never felt deprived in anyway. And I trained like a mad woman...oh, but that's normal! And it's only the beginning, a new beginning.


I wrote a blogpost years ago about starting over. Starting over doesn't mean from scratch, because you get to take everything you've learned up until that point with you. You can make new decisions based on experience and create a different outcome. That's one of the things so beautiful about this life.....we can start again, re-do, re-try...all is not lost.


OK, so I lost a bunch of weight life was good right? Of course life was good, until perfectionism and judgement started to creep in. Having been so open and public about my weightloss "journey" (I dislike that description, but I'm lacking a better one right now), I felt as if people were watching me...yikes! And I don't mean that to come across as conceited, what I mean is as a former fat person there are people out there that will find secret satisfaction seeing me gain weight back. And not just strangers in the blogoshere, but friends, coworkers, maybe even family. Everyone knows it's just a matter of time, right? Fat people don't maintain successful weightloss for long....


I'm not going to get into all of that, only to say that I put so much pressure on myself if I gained a couple, 5, 10, 20 pounds and the shame of it had gotten me down...on myself. I have no one to blame but me....no one was looking, or cared, but me. I'm not going to do that again....it was exhausting!


The cloud lifted over a year ago, and my feelings, how I felt about myself turned back around. I started again, I started to feel my competence, confidence, and passion for what I do more than ever. I teach and train because I love it, not because I have to make a living. I do what I do regardless of anyone else showing up to train, or paying me for class. I know if you just keep showing up for the training, for the workouts, the body will follow, and it has. Sometimes you get to the body through the mind, and sometimes you get to the mind through the body....I've done it both ways now.


Mark asked me the other day what my goal was in terms of bodyweight. My answer was that I wanted to feel good in my clothes....I've got alot of nice clothes, lol! I also wanted to maintain as much of the muscle I've put on this past year, not really concerned so much with the number on the scale. I'm not going to lie and say that I wouldn't want to weigh 129lbs again, but I wouldn't want to be less muscular than I am right now either. I can always change my mind about what I want, and probably will many times in the years to come.

I look forward to everyday. I'm having fun again. Fun, not in the creation of my body, but in the creation of how I feel about my body, and I've never been happier.....how many 47 year old former fat girls can say that...heck, forget about being formerly fat, or 47! How many women can say that? Lucky me.
Top picture was taken this past Tues at Girya training clubbells with Mark (happy birthday sweetie!). Bottom picture was taken '99 during my first trip to Italy with my mother (thanks for the pic mom!). I weighed around 220 and 35 years old. I remember squeezing myself into size 18's....little did I know I would put on another 30+ pounds within the next 2 years,and end up a size 24!

22 comments:

Sandra said...

Way to put it all out there...all the time! Congrats on your success you have earned it!

TheEdge said...

Great post Tracy. You are an inspiration to so many. Thank you.

La Saun Taylor, RKC, AFAA-CPT said...

That's so wonderful Tracy! Very happy for you!

Dawn said...

Amazing attitude, and extremely inspirational! I'm 35 and want to lose 25-30#, and have gotten back to the tried and true kettlebells. I love them and can't imagine having such a toned, strong body that you have, but never say never, right?

I truly hope to one day be as comfortable in my own skin.

fawn said...

You really did look fantastic last weekend Tracy! You certainly have earned the body you have today.

Juci said...

Great post, great body :)

I don't think you can ever gain weight back. Your attitude is definitely not that of a fat person. Not any more.
Fat lives in the head - but you're tough, you're strong. You're a winner. How could you possibly be fat again...? No way :)

(Does that makes sense? I'm not sure about my English)

Roland said...

For a few years, I worried about gaining my weight back (75lbs), but no more. I'm not a fat person anymore; I don't have any of those food urges, and it's no longer a conscious act to stay slim. My habits were bad before, and no all my habits are good. As a plus, I get more pleasure from my good habits than I ever did from the bad ones that led to all that excess weight.

Congrats on your great accomplishment!

Haley said...

Great post! You've been a great inspiration, and this post is no different. That's the point, right? We should all find that place where we love our bodies. :)

Tracy Reifkind said...

Sandra,

I don't say near what I really feel on my blog...you should hear me in person!

Hopefully my book will express more of what I'm about.

thank you for the comment

Tracy Reifkind said...

edge,

Sometimes I just write stuff....

I do what I do, I think what I think, and sometimes it ends up in writing! If it does indeed inspire then lucky me!

Tracy Reifkind said...

La Saun,

I will never forget where I came from, in fact I'm proud of it....I also appreciate my friends, like you, that saw something, or heard something, that made sense because it was reflected in their own experiences, and as a result connected with mine.

Thank you friend.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Dawn,

The phrase "comfortable in my own skin" resonates with so many, but this almost over-used thought rarely expanded on....what does this mean? "Comfortable in my own skin"?

You're 35? Goodness, that's the age I was in one of these pictures posted! My 30's were a blurr...some might say a "waste". Life is never a waste. Do I wish I would have done something different sooner? You know what? I was busy!

No regrets.

This blogpost is about a celebration. I can not change the past, nor would I. I can only celebrate the now, and the future.

Looking good is about feeling good. Try feeling good and notice how much better you look!

Tracy Reifkind said...

fawn,

One of the things I look forward to reading in the book you sent me is in the beginning, before the postures are explained....

Yoga is not about exercise. Yoga is not about "burning calories". Yoga is about something I have yet to discover....or not!

I need to lighten up! LOL!

Tracy Reifkind said...

Juci,

I know what you are trying to say, but in the defense of "fat people", it takes more strength to be fat than it does to be skinny! Some of my strength was built from being fat! Some of my strength was built from being poor. Some of my strength was built from being female. Some of my strength was built from kettlebells!

My point is that I'm plenty strong now....let's get on with the fun stuff!

Fat people rock! Fat, poor, female, short, skinny, ugly, weak, doesn't mean you have to be those things forever! You choose to be what you want.

I understand completely your compliment, and I thank you.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Roaland,

You make an very important point....

"I get more pleasure from my good habits than I ever did from the bad ones that led to all that excess weight."

This past year at an HKC hosted by Keats Snideman in Tempe AZ, Keats commented that he felt lucky because his body "craved" healthy foods.

I feel the same way, and you do too! When a person gets to the point of choosing health because it's really no longer a choice, it's a "craving".

Training kettlebells and eating good foods is a "craving"...lucky us! That doesn't mean restriction at all. It means joy.

I have everything I could ever want and more.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Haley,

It shouldn't be a crime to want to look good!

Jen said...

Tracy,

'Starting Over' is on of my favorite blogposts. You inspire and teach me daily. You're book will be Amazingly Crazy Good! :) (but you already know that!!)

xoxo

Bob Garon II, Synergy Kettlebell Boot Camp Coach said...

That's AWESOME Tracy! Thanks for sharing your story. :)

Juci said...

Tracy,
I think I understand and appreciate your point.
In your case, I guess, being fat had been only a status.
You gained part of your strenght from being fat. Which is amazing.

In most cases however, let us say 8 out of 10, being fat is not a status, but a feature. That is to say, a personality type.
I know a lot of fat people, including a couple of my ex-clients, who are good at one thing, and one thing only: finding lame excuses.
Do they choose to be fat and weak and sick? Maybe. But I don't think that this would be a source of strenght :)

sybil said...

Thanks for this Tracy. This post has been in my reader for 4-5 days and I've been ignoring it because I wasn't 'ready'. You see.....I've taken a bit of a fall off the wagon the last couple weeks and have been struggle....not only struggling to get back into my healthy eating and kettlebell swinging...but struggling to WANT to get back to it. My heart just wasn't in the game for 2 weeks.

Bottom line is that I feel so much better when I'm eating the healthy foods and working out. And, I don't want to gain back the 80 pounds I've removed - which is the risk. I want to be the one that lost AND maintains and the only way to be that person, is to do what I know works.

Thanks for the reminder and for keeping it real.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Juci,

I like to call them victims. Victims always look for blame.

The opposite of lean is fat, the opposite of strong is weak, the opposite of healthy is sick. How lean, strong and healthy should a person want to be is as much of a choice of how fat, weak, and sick they want to be (or don't be!)

Tracy Reifkind said...

Sybil,

hmnn...falling off the wagon...

As I mentioned in this blogpost, sometime you get to the body through the mind, but if you keep up the workouts, the body will remind the mind to get back on the wagon!

Go for a walk. Do not lose that connection with your physical body. Meditate on how good it feels to use your legs, your lungs, and feel your heart pumping while you walk.

Focus on feeling good, focus on finding relief. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Make a few meals ahead of time, (when you are not hungry!) and take the stress away from making food decisions. It's not rocket science.