Monday, July 30, 2012

The Biggest Person

Sometimes I still let some old feeling affect me without really knowing, or being conscious of what's going on.  I just wrote about how I never saw myself as "that fat person in the mirror", but I couldn't deny that I did see that fat person in the mirror because I was, in fact, fat.  And it felt like no matter where I was, or who I was with, I was the biggest person there....at the family get togethers, in school, in Girl Scouts, at the dance, in the club, in the gym, with my friends, etc.  From the time I could remember this was the case.



At stages in my adult life when I did lose weight I was still larger, or bigger than most of the people close to me.  My sisters, my mother, my cousins, my classmates/coworkers, were all smaller (or skinnier) than me.  I don't think I ever managed to weigh below the 140's and that was large for a woman in my generation during times when 110's and 120's was ideal (I got a little pissed off just now thinking about  it, lol, anyway...)  So, there is a little part of me that may still be triggered, although less and less as time passes, by judging myself based on my bodyweight.  It's kind of trippy to me that I know I'm not fat anymore, but I still can find myself feeling like the biggest person in the room, or maybe it's just a feeling of not belonging....hmnn...I think I'm on to something here....

I have a lot more to write about my feelings on this subject but I think I may have to break it into a couple of posts.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to weigh a particular "number".  But I also know my truth to feeling good about myself, and that has nothing to do with a "number".

I don't really care that "muscle weighs more that fat".  My brain knows this, but what does my heart feel?  And how do my jeans fit?

I can want what I want, but you won't hear me bitch about not having it....much.  I find this whole adventure interesting.  The adventure of what I think, how I feel, where I want to go, not worried about how to get there, just knowing the possibilities.  In the mean time doing things I love, and appreciating all that I have.

Letting go of feeling and judgments of being the biggest person or not belonging....maybe there's some anger there....maybe.

Picture above: 40 years ago on my 9th birthday taken with my skinny friends Debbie and my best friend, "Little" Tracy.



12 comments:

beverly said...

I am so glad you wrote this. I am 58 and 250 lbs. This weekend I was in a situation where I felt like I was 13 again. People were whispering and looking at me. A little later I heard the phrase fat ass. Who knows if my perception and reality were anywhere close, but I cried and kept crying over it and still haven't shaken if off. I am miserable over my merry go round with weight loss - the successful two weeks of diet and exercise followed by a two week binge. And after so many years the utter despondence that I'll never turn it around. I will never stop trying, I find encouragement in so much you say. Your statement "I support, but I don’t commiserate. I expect the best, the biggest, and the fastest changes" is full of meaning for me.

Marsha said...

You know I told you this when we talked but , I will refresh your memory. I was the same way. I felt the same way. Even with my struggles and ups and downs with weight, I still feel this way.
You know you look fabulous now but, those old feelings still get to you from time to time.
I think it is ok to remember how strong those experiences make us. I appreciate that now. Like, my mom says, " it's not how you start , it is how you end up that counts. If you didn't look or feel the way you did , we would not all benefit from you now. You were meant to have this journey Tracy, We needed you.
Btw, You look beautiful in that picture. Your were a gorgeous little girl . Just sayin........

dangerouslydeedles said...

Tracy,

I have felt the same and lived some of the same experiences. In fact I wrote about them not too long ago myself here: http://dangerouslydeedles.wordpress.com/2012/07/13/confessions-and-the-start-of-something-beautiful/

I am starting the journey to change what I can change. But I worry too that even if I lose X amount of weight... who will I still see in the mirror? And who will I feel like?

Tracy Reifkind said...

Beverly,

Reading your comment I can totally relate about "feeling 13" again. Good Lord! It's exhausting sometimes, the parts of our lives we feel limitations because of our weight/size.

The one thing I can say about my adulthood obesity is that I never "battled" with it, but I would not describe it as "giving up" either. I would describe it more as "giving in" but knowing what I was capable of when I put my mind to it....my "mind" to it!

Hey, at least you have had successful 2 week periods! Seriously, that's great!

Tracy Reifkind said...

Marsha,

I know that many people share these feelings. But I also know that as you pointed out, about me still being a gorgeous little girl, I really, truly, inside, felt gorgeous! I just couldn't figure out why everybody else didn't see it! lol! And I know you felt the same..look at you now! The same! lol

I wouldn't change anything about my young life. Besides, if I'm lucky, which I am, I'll get more chances to do it over again!

Tracy Reifkind said...

dangerous,

You know what? Lose the weight and then worry! Don't worry now!

All those thought and worries become "high quality problems" when you become smaller, thinner, healthier, more fit, however you define or visualize a better you, or your best you.

You started your "journey" long ago, it's never too late to change you mind about how you want to live.....and there's nothing wrong with deciding not to change. Just know that change is possible.

Sue said...

Tracy, sorry for commenting here but I just wondered what your thoughts were on this kettlenetics.com.au - they use a 4lb kettlebell. Wouldn't that be too light?

Diana said...

No matter what our age....we're always a work in progress!

Maribel said...

I wonder if it ever goes away. I still feel weird about letting my husband pick me up. He thinks I'm crazy, but I still feel like I'm going to break his back.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Sue,

A 4lb kettlebell would be too light to use the way I train the swing. I did a video about how to determine the right weight bell for training the swing the way I teach it.

Lots of people think you "lift" a kettlebell, therefore 4lbs would seem appropriate for some situations.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Diana,

Hmnn....a work in progress...really? I hope the "working" part relaxes into vacation! A vacation in progress! lol

Tracy Reifkind said...

Maribel,

Of course it goes away! We choose it, and all it takes is #1 awareness of the feeling you want to change #2 the knowing that you can in fact change it! #3 the practice of changing it into what it is you want to feel now.

I feel like I'm going to break his back.

I don't want to feel that because I know it's just an old reaction and it's not true!

I think I'm going to change the way I feel about it, yep, I've changed the way I feel about it.

Whoops, I had the wrong feeling again...that's right, I've changed how I feel....my new thoughts about it feel better and they also feel closer to what I know to be the real truth!