Whew! Last night as I finished my third 6qt batch of corn chowder. I was beat, my feet were tired from standing all day, my hands dry from doing dishes and I still have corn left to deal with. It's my own fault, and I'm not complaining it's just sometimes I wonder how I let the residual chilhood feelings of not having enough, or not getting enough creep into my adult life.
I bought a case of corn on Sat., that's 48 ears of corn. 48. It was the last week to buy the best local white corn at the Farmers' Market and then it would be gone forever (I'm being purposely dramatic). What will I do when I run out? So I bought a case planning on freezing a big stash of chowder, kernels and cobs for stock. Oh, and I bought a 20lb box of tomatoes too!
I know why I do this, it's not because I'm going to run out of food for goodness sake. I do this because I'm afraid that I will. Or, I'm afraid I'll run out of what I want. Or I'm afraid I'll need more and I won't have it. The core feeling is fear, and I don't like acting out of fear....but as I recognize how I let it happpen I do it less and less all the time, isn't that great? I think it is.
In fact it's this feeling of running out, not having, or getting enough food that I believe is what led me to establish the habit of overeating. I know it's the feeling that leads me to still overbuy food for sure (48 ears of corn for instance) Combine that with the fear of throwing food away "wasting it", and before you know it over buying and overeating become habits that grow bigger, stronger, and less conscious. I was not eating because I was hungry I was eating because I was afraid.
Here is something I repeat to myself if I find myself feeling anxious and fearful about this, "There's enough, there's enough, there's enough. Enough of what? Enough of everything." Not just food, but let's start there.
When I see candy or cookies on sale and I want to buy them all I remind myself that I don't need to because there's enough. There will always be more where that came from.
When I'm at a buffet and I start to load up my plate with stuff I know I can't eat, or go back for more after I'm already full, I remind myself that there's enough. As Mark always says "It's a meal, not a party!"
When Whole foods or Costco is giving aways free samples, I remind myself there's enough. I can afford to buy anything I want, and I certainly don't need to stuff free samples of foods in my mouth that I wouldn't buy anyway.
I'm not saying that I don't react to old feeling of lack, I've got over 12 qts of corn chowder that proves I do! But being able to have the awareness of why I make the choices I do is as important as the choices I make. At the end of the day everything I do is a choice, even the way I feel is a choice.
Everyday I feel more in control of the feelings I want to have. Feelings like trust and hope, excitement and luck. Feeling safe and taken care of, smart and competent.....and gratitude that I have an extra freezer at Girya!