Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sick about Myself


I can't believe how much time I wasted being sick about myself.


Good freakin' Lord.....this last year has been.....perplexing, is the only word that really fits. Here's the bottom line. I'm a person that has experienced much of my life being fat....not "overweight"...I'm not going to "sugar coat" it. I mean, let's be honest, in these current times, according to the standards of "normal" I have had a bodyweight that way exceeded "normal". I don't know why, nor do I care, the only thing I care about is loving and respecting, even freakin' adoring, who I am, and that includes, or doesn't include what I weigh.


I started blogging about my "weight loss journey" at a time....lucky for me.....when it was easy.....
It was easy to feel good about myself.....can you imagine? Feeling easy about yourself? What a freakin' joy! Good Lord. What's wrong with us? That we can't feel "easy"........


I spent the most of last year absoulutely sick about myself. Sick about myself because I didn't weigh 129lbs (or less!). Hiding out, afraid everyone would notice I gained 5 lbs from the previous year. Ohhhhh.....five whole pounds......

I was sick about myself. Looking at pictures and comparing me to me. Ashamed, again.....

Fuck. (there I said it)

Instead of being stressed out and angry about it, all I can do is feel better.....and I do.

I train hard.

I eat well, really well.

I love my life, I love my husband, I love my kids and beautiful granddaughter....how lucky am I?
I love training with kettlebells and I'm happy to teach, and coach others to feel the same way. I love walking, spinning, and I love Bikram's yoga.

I love that my car looks as if a vagabond drives it...lives in it.....with extra workout clothes always in "stock", spinning shoes, extra kettlebells, and at least 3 yoga mats drying out for the next class.

I love the way my jeans fit me.....and it doesn't matter what size they are.

I love using the Gravitron at the Club.

I love shopping for my workout clothes (at Lululemon), and I love, love, love the fact that I can afford anything I want.

I love my friends....especially Fawn, (and Aaron), and I wish I could visit more often with my brilliant husband, Mark ( he"s the one they like better anyway, lol....but I don't care, lol)

I love that as I write this blogpost Mark is listening to "Danny's Song" on his computer.....how lovely is that?




I have such an incredible life with people that inspire me, and who I, in return, inspire. There is nothing I can't have, that I know.


I'll keep showing up, I'll keep showing up...... As Mark always says, "If I can't outlift them, then I'll outlast them!" And that's no freakin' joke!




(this is a picture of me, last year 10 lbs lighter than I am right now....and I was "sick about myself"....who cares. Good Lord.....be easy with yourself.....)

8 comments:

Amber said...

Tracy, you are amazing. I've been reading your blog for a while now, as I'm going through my own journey doing crossfit and moving more from sitting behind a desk to being a fitness professional. I hate how numbers can make us feel worthless (weight)sometimes, and at other times empowered, like when we can pull a PR off the floor, or get a few more swings of the KB out. Be easy on yourself, you are an inspiration :)

Diana said...

I love the fact that my 16kg is feeling light!
I wish I could afford anything I could possibly ever want, but then again, I already have everything I could ever imagine. A second chance at life to better this world I live in.

La Saun Taylor, RKC, AFAA-CPT said...

Tracy, Thanks for your post! I feel you on that completely on hiding out... I did SO MUCH hiding when I shot up to a size 14 almost 2 years. Now I am in a size 6-8 and still working getting on getting back into my 2s and 4s. You are truly an inspiration and you look amazing! Looking forward to meeting you in the future.

Tracy Reifkind said...

Amber,

As I said in the last part of this blogpost...."I'll keep showing up"

I mean, of course, that I'll keep showing up for my workouts...but it also applies to showing up for my blog. Even though I hear blogging is "over", and, I admit, can be a "black hole". sucking out energy and not really giving any back.

But anyway, let's get back to showing up for workouts.....

In one of my Bikrams yoga classes there is a woman who has started practicing about 2-3 months ago. She comes practically everyday....and she only has one leg! After the standing series, as the rest of the class lays down in Savasana, she removes her prosthetic leg, covers it with a towel, and finishes the class.

In Spinning class, there was a woman next to me, bald from chemo, but Spinning away.....

Kettlebells, Crossfit, Yoga, Spinning.....keep showing up people! There are many things we feel as if we can't control, but in the mean time.....

Tracy Reifkind said...

Diana,

The 16kg feels light? (If you haven't been doing much double 12kg's, then you should add that one in!....Those are real ass-kickers, especially 20 reps or more!)

Anyway, being able to afford anything I want is only true because the only things I "want" are the things I can afford....do you get it? So you next sentence is correct...."I already have everything I could ever imagine!"

I think maybe, if we are smart enough, sometime after the age of 40...."the second half of life" is when we recognize that we do in fact get that 2nd chance.

Tracy Reifkind said...

La Saun,

Truly, under 1200 calories, starvation, and a touch of anorexia will get you into a size 2.....

I've been meaning to write about the things a person is willing to give up, and the things a person is not willing to give up in order to lose weight. Right now I like the amount of food I eat, I always love the kinds of foods I eat, so right now, what I weigh, and the size I am is, what it is.

I've got some fitness goals that I'm working towards, and the body, shape, size and weight will follow.....it has to.

Diana said...

Tracy....way funny that you mentioned double 12kg's! After watching Fawn's video on FB, which by the way was frickin' awesome-only a person who does kb's can TRULY understand HOW hard that is. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna go out and think, "hey, I can do that". hahahahahaha-guess what??? I CAN'T!!!! But I did do the double snatches with the 12kg's. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD that was truly an ass-kicker for sure! Squeaked out 15 reps of dbl swings to dbl snatch. First time ever doing a dbl snatch. OMG, my love for this evil hunk of iron or whatever it is grows more and more each day!! After the dbl snatches, I was so pumped and HAD to do more, so I cranked out 5R/5L snatches w/16kg for 15 rounds! 150 snatches with that big bitch-I need to buy a 20kg! hahahahahahaha, great, poor Jeff...now I'm all giggly today! Amazing what a PR does to the mind!
Yeah, I think my "second half of life" is going to be great!
Have a great weekend! Swing/snatch/squat/clean/press on!

Nikki Shlosser said...

Just wanted to say... I listen to (and sing along with) Danny's Song several times a week. :)

Also,
You still so totally rock. Thanks for all your inspiration.