Friday, May 23, 2008

Butterfinger Thighs


Butterfingers have been my drug of choice lately. And I say that because sugar is a drug to me. Not a little bit of sugar, alot of sugar....not one or two candy bars, but 3 king size candy bars and 2 regular sized candy bars, and even at that point I have to talk myself into stopping. Compulsive overeating has been my eating habit for too long. And for me compulsive overeating almost always starts with a sugar craving. When I start to crave sugar I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry for food that is...I'm looking for a "feeling". I'm looking to change my consciousness the way a drug would. The way alcohol or any other type drug can change the way we feel, sugar just happens to be the one I like.


Now, I'm not writing about my particular habit of eating too much sugar compulsively because I'm sad about it, or mad about it or depressed about it, or tortured by it, it is, what it is, that's all. I've been doing alot of reading, thinking and talking about compulsive overeating, and binge eating, but I don't dwell on the reasons why it became a habit, instead I'm looking for ways to change it, and I succed in changing it many times. And the reason why I want to continue to change it is because it's just not healthy, plain and simple.


It's not healthy for 2 reasons, the obvious is that it can make you become fat by consuming too many calories that your body doesn't need. But you can be a more normal bodyweight and still compulsively overeat by managing it in some sort of way....I'm an example of that! The other reason, and the reason why I'm changing it, is that it doesn't make me feel good to experience acting in a way that is counter productive to how I want to live...how I say I want to live and act. Mental health is as important as physical health. And although I'm not sad, mad, depressed, or tortured, it does create, or I should say, sometimes I let it create feelings of stress.


I know my body's natural weight set point is a reflection of healthy eating. Not just healthy foods, but healthy eating. I'm not at my body's natural set point....how do I know? Because I know what I'm eating and how I'm eating it...compulsively! Three king size, and 2 regular sized candy bars is not natural! I'm not afraid of ever being 250lbs again, I know that will never happen, but how exciting to know that once I truly establish the habit of healthy eating I'll weigh exactly what I'm supposed to, naturally, easily and at peace.

10 comments:

1gabby1 said...

Hi Tracy
We all have those crazy food day's. I actually find them healthy for me once in a while. I tend to be so regimented with my nutrition and exercise that I think my mind and body just rebel and I let my self go there, It's normal. I move on and actually feel crappy physically afterword.
As for your butterfinger thighs picture, I thinks Kettlebell thighs is more appropriate. Strong and Beautiful!!
Take Care
Gabby

Tracy said...

gabby,

It's not the amount of food, it's the compulsiveness. Crazy can be normal, but this kind of crazy is happening too much for me and I'm starting to enjoy it less.

And I happen to love my thighs thick...and my ass! But my jeans are too tight, and I'm eating too much of the wrong foods. I'll still like my thighs a little smaller.

Happiness Within said...

Tracy,

I tried to make this point at a recent WW meeting. The ladies just didn't get it the way that I was explaining. We talked about "red, yellow and green-light" foods. Foods that are risky (prone to overeat), proceed with caution (may or may not overeat), and safe foods (not apt for overeating). I was saying that for me, the food didn't so much matter, but the BEHAVIOR around the food did. I said that brownies are my weakness, but if I ate a single serving of brownie with great satisfaction, that for me was not a 'red light' situation. On the other hand, if I ate half a watermelon with the intention of "stuffing" myself, the food in itself is healthy, but the behavior is not.
It's a moment by moment check-in for me. I know that as I am more aware of it, the better it will be in the future.

Tamikka

Kelly O said...

Tracy, check out my blog posts for today and and maybe yesterday...I've really had an epiphany lately and it is really helping me. You and I have the same types of focuses in our fitness endeavors, so I would love it if what I'm learning and incorporating would help you too.
;-)

Regina said...

"how exciting to know that once I truly establish the habit of healthy eating I'll weigh exactly what I'm supposed to, naturally, easily and at peace."

Right on Tracy! Thanks for the reminder and for sharing the insight. I am at a pivotal moment here, and I appreciate the post, it is no coincidence that I am reading this post today!

magallanica said...

According to my experience, food-related compulsiveness is just one of my inner voices trying to help.
Obsessive Compulsive-alike people experiment a very special type of stress when we reach a high level of accomplishment, a sense of emptiness, a new-goal hunger.
In my case it's about external validation/self validation and perfectionism.
For a while, we get a lot of the right attention, the right approval, the right recognition of success, a lot of positive feedback. Then it fades, and self-doubt appears again, as if we only deserve all those fuzzy and warm feelings at the top of the mountain.
It makes the next challenge more challenging, we feel like we have to prove past validation and sweat for it every time.

A better way is just letting go relentless standards, give ourselves permission to be ordinary for a while, vulnerable, incompetent or disoriented.

Food is not a comfort in these cases, but a medal, a trophy.
A synonym for deservingness. The prize for winning the everlasting competition we maintain with ourselves.

But growing up means tapping into self-validation, and making it independent of our results, even though we depend on then for motivation.

It can be wonderful as a journey, just for the journey itself, nobody scrutinizing performance and achievement, not even ourselves.

I now eat as I'm not alone. A kind smiling Buddha shares my table and enjoys my dinner silently. For others, the guest can be Jesus. I also eat with my deceased father whom I miss so much and was sooooo hard, almost impossible to please.
And I'm just perfect as I am, in front of the frugal, tasty meal. I am enough, I have enough. He thinks I'm enough and a great cook, a great woman, a great daughter.

Nothing to prove. Nothing to fight for. Alive. Open. Unconcerned of next meal, or past failures.

Maybe you can invite that adult in your childhood so hard to please and listen to him/her saying how wonderful and deserving you are.
Listening his/her permission to eat and enjoy.

All will continue to be provided.
There's no need to hoard, to stuff yourself. That's what I've learned.

But for now, you are doing terrific.
How do you know you MUST stuff yourself? Because you do. Until you find the way not to do it, the easiest, effortless way, the most natural one. It will happen, when you are ready.

Believe me. My weight ranges fluctuated between 55 pounds to 170.
Now I'm 120 and a normal eater.

With much love,
Paz

Cecilia Tom said...

Tracy,

For years I compulsively overate - vegan junk, greasy Chinese take-out. Now I don't do that anymore. I still have a thing for sweet foods - it's less about the sugar than the texture, taste, and pleasure - and since according to the Ayurvedic system I have the pitta body type, sweet foods (in moderation) are actually good for my constitution. It is very hard to manage cravings, but my approach is all about "harm reduction" - so I have replaced one compulsion with another. I am obsessed with eating everything 100% organic, and I like my treats preferably raw, and the one thing that keeps my craving in check is the price tag! My favorite treats run anywhere from $4.89 to $7.75 a pop - if I don't discipline myself I'd go bankrupt! But I do allow myself one or two a day, and I would go to the store twice just for that, since I can't save any for later if my life depended on it, LOL. It is a stupid compulsion, I admit, but so be it. I work hard, I deserve some sweetness, no apologies :-) Just last Tuesday, I got to my favorite cafe at 9:55 pm, right before they closed, for my cookie. The guy at the counter was like, "You come here all the time, this one's on the house." Good thing I'm beyond getting embarrassed.

Cecilia

Tracy said...

Tamikka,

We need to get together...soon! Lots of stuff going on right now.....

Mark Reifkind said...

paz,

wow. what an amazing post, what amazing insight.thank you so much for that. you have incredible wisdom.
each of your comments leaves so much to reflect on.It sounds like you have gotten to a very strong, mature,peaceful place.
mark

Tracy said...

kelly,

Focus, and attention....you have to know what you don't want in order to know what you DO want.

Maybe there's an art to "knowing"