100

Sunday morning, after 8:00am and 10:00am Bikram yoga, I completed my 100th class this year! I think it averages out to 9-10 classes per week. Why do I practice so much? Because I can! Besides, I have a killer collection of Lululemon yoga clothes and I get to wear them everyday, sometimes twice a day....woo hoo, how lucky am I?

Because I recognize what a luxury it is to be able to train so much, I try and take advantage of all of the wonderful things my life's schedule allows me to do. In addition to my yoga practice I train KB's 3-4x a week I walk 3-4x a week, I have a few clients, I teach a few KB classes, (more teaching to come!), and I get to shop for, cook and prepare all of my own foods.

Last week I had considered skipping a 4:30pm yoga class because I had already practiced earlier that morning at 7:15, and I said to Mark, "Why should I go? I mean, it's not like it's going to make a difference. I'm not going to be any skinnier because of it!" And he reminded me that all of the training I've been doing these past 3 years has built up "muscle density".....every workout not missed builds upon itself....and I don't miss workouts! I'll have Mark help me to write a blogpost about building muscle density, since he's the expert! But in the mean time......don't miss your workouts!

Word Play

I admit I get way caught up in word play trying to avoid negative thought proccesses. I've written blogposts about words I hate like, "struggle", "issue", "fight", and especially the word "hate".....I hate that word, it sounds so hateful! I even have a problem with the word problem! So now this word "abstinence"......

Abstinence: Self-denial suggests resisting one's own desires for the achievement of a higher goal.

Resisting.....not allowing....

Should we focus on what we feel we can't or don't have, or can we see it in others ways?

Letting go.....allowing.....

Focus on what we do and can have.

I am starting to remind myself that it's not the "word", it's the feelings behind the words. In a previous blogpost I wrote about how we choose to feel about dieting....when we are motivated in a positive way restricting calories seems easy, effortless, rewarding, but when we see it as deprivation, resisting, punishment, it's practically impossible to do.....and therefore can start a vicious cycle.....a backward, downward vicious cycle.

What I do know for me is when I feel anxious I feel stress, and when I feel stressed I feel weak, and when I feel weak I give up. Anxiety is the first sign of moving in the wrong direction. Anxiety is what can trigger compulsive behavior (for me).

For now, the way I feel about having to practice any sort of "abstinence" in the sense of depriving myself doesn't make me feel good. If I can see abstaining as a way of rewarding then I can feel good about the trade-offs......just trying to figure this stuff out......

I've got tons of stuff to do before 12noon yoga, so I'm off.....

PS I had such a great day yesterday considering I got my teeth cleaned (I dread the Dentist office, lol) I had the luxury of practicing 2 back to back Bikram yoga classes, 30 minutes of Max V02 training with Mark around 1pm, and then teaching a KB swing class at Equinox in Palo Alto, which it looks as if I'll be teaching morning classes at during the week!

$100 in My Pocket.....Abstinence

So, I discovered what it is I needed to be abstinent from....or did I? "The first compulsive bite"

When someone who eats too much compares themselves with someone who drinks too much (or uses drugs), what is often said is, "You can always stop drinking, but you can't stop eating...you have to eat!", implying that is harder to stop overeating than it is to stop drinking alcohol because you can live without alcohol, but you can't live without food.....partly true.....the part that you have to eat, not that one is easier than the other. Overeaters need to be abstinent from a behavior that is triggered by emotions, and emotion could be triggered by a certain food or a situation.....emotions trigger behaviors like overeating and, I'm assuming, drinking alcohol.

We have to think about abstaining from a "behavior", not "food".....food is not the problem, eating is....how we eat food is....and how do we eat? For me the habit is eating compulsively, and what that means to me is, whatever the emotional reasons are, there's a good possibility when I shove that first bite of food in my mouth when I'm not physically hungry can trigger binge eating. If I can just keep myself from taking that first compulsive bite, then no trigger, no binge......

The biggest part of abstaining from the first compulsive bite is to be able to recognize the first compulsive bite! That's another blogpost......but for now, at the time I was getting this I knew already how to recognize it in my own experience, and because I knew how to recognize it I was positive I could do it! I was so positive I could recognize that first compulsive bite, and be strong enough, have enough will, have enough discipline to not take it, I was so sure that I put a $100 bill in my pocket to give to the first person I laid eyes on the second I failed.......if I failed and took a first compulsive bite. That was the deal I made with myself.....I was betting myself $100 that I could do it! I don't remember how long I lasted but it was a good amount of time! And lucky for me when I lost the bet, I was with Mark, lol, and of course he didn't take it from me....so really what kind bet was it?

So here I am now......obviously I don't still have $100 bill on my pocket, it was not a bet I made again.....and it's not a bet I think I need to make again now.....why not? Well, I'm still figuring it out. Months later I did decide to attend an OA meeting, and I've been reminded of one of my strongest memories from the 4 or 5 meeting I went to, it was a woman that shared that she was celebrating her 40th day of abstinence, and I could remember thinking, "Wow, 40 days, good for her!". I remember feeling the energy of strength and confidence that surrounded her because she felt victorious.....and I wanted that! But the first compulsive bite, that first binge makes you forget. But now I'm reminded.....reminded about abstinence......good Lord, how do I feel about it? Let me think......

7:15 yoga.....I'll meditate on it some more and get back to writing......

I Never Want to be a Drag

I remember when I first started my blog a few years ago, I had come across another blog (before everyone had a blog, lol!) called "3 Fat Chicks", it may still be out there, but anyway, it was started by 3 sisters about their weightloss experiences. Two of the sisters had gastric bypasses, and one had lost weight the traditional way by diet (I can't say exercise, because I don't remember, but dieting for sure), and they were successful at first, but slowly, I think, all of them had put back on a significant amount of weight, even the gastric bypass sisters. I remember thinking to myself, after reading what one of the sister had wrote about her feelings of depression, fatique, and defeat how depressed , tired and unmotivated I started to feel! I thought, "Good Lord! Could I ever admit defeat on such a public forum, after riding the high of successfully losing alot of weight? And what good does that do?" I remember thinking......"I never want to be a drag like that."

Fast forward......

Although I haven't been checking in on other blogs, the last time I did, I followed a bloglink from someone elses blog and came across another obsessive compulsive woman blogging every morsel of food she ate, every fraction of a pound she weighed, and every negative thought she had about her body......Good Lord I never want to be a drag like that. That's when I stopped recording my exact food and weight. I did start my own personal blog, open to no one but me to write all of that crap down, but I rarely even post there anymore.

I have no idea what is going to become of this blog, but what I do know is that I never want to be a drag. My last blog post wasn't about defeat, it wasn't about the exact amount of my bodyweight, it wasn't about how I'm a victim of my compulsions or of food, it was about moving forward, it was about living in awareness, it was about having no judgement. So what, I've had the habit of overeating in a compulsive way in my past, it doesn't define who I am.....more to come, but I'm late for 12noon yoga with my sweetie......I'll be back

I'm putting myself way "out there".......the day I "got" OA (overeaters anonymous)

This past year I've had questions about my "purpose", still not knowing what it is, but knowing I have one. Frustrated that people don't really "get me"....most people that is. When I feel that frustration, I remind myself that God, The Universe, will allow the people that need to, hear what I have to say, hear what I'm sharing, see the way I have changed my life and my body, and know the power, will, discipline, hope, belief, strength, desire, faith and trust, is inside all us, no matter what our bodyweight is.

I hope God gives me the motivation to keep writing about this, because this is just the beginning.......I can't possibly write all I have to say about this subject in one blogpost, so I thought I would start here..... I wrote these thoughts last year around this exact time, but never shared them before.


March 2008

I started the day out feeling fine until lunch time came. I had been looking forward to lunch all morning, I was having a favorite soup meal to which I added a mountain of greens, creating quite a sizeable bowl of soup. After I finished the soup I was feeling like I needed more. A little something sweet….I knew what was coming…I knew without a doubt what was going to happen next….it was just the beginning. I knew once I started eating, and I knew that I was starting, I wasn’t going to stop until I physically had to stop. Until I couldn’t physically eat anymore.

I started out with some dry cereal (Oat Squares), and lucky for me, I thought, there was only about 1 ½ serving of cereal left in the box, at this point I was hoping I could stop myself…hoping to stop this feeling of hunger, but I knew it was only the beginning. At this point I found myself standing in the doorway between my kitchen and dining room looking at a glass front cabinet that had a small stack of books in it. The book that stood out amongst the others was called, “Overeaters Anonymous”. It was a book I had picked up at a garage sale during the previous summer along with the book, “Binge No More”, I had read Binge No More, but this Overeaters Anonymous book did not appeal to me, at the time.….or I wasn’t ready to receive it’s message at the time….I chose to believe the latter, because that’s the way I think!

As I stood there eating cereal out of the box, with my hands, I stared at this book. And my inner dialogue sounded like this,

“Tracy, you are seeing that book for a reason. Don’t you think there is a reason why you’re standing here knowing your in the middle of a binge and looking straight at an Overeaters Anonymous book? You know you have to pick it up. You know you have to pick it up and start reading it. You know it’s time….there’s a message in that book and you know it, otherwise you wouldn’t be looking at it….pick it up.......fine. But I’m not going to stop eating. I don’t want to stop eating. I’ll pick up the book and start reading it as long as I can keep eating.......fine. You can keep eating, but start reading that book. OK, but I’m going to eat until I can’t eat anymore, I’ll sit at the dining room table, eat and read.”

And that’s what I did.

This particular Overeaters Anonymous book was just chapter after chapter of different peoples stories of how they came to recognize that they were compulsive overeaters and how OA was the solution that worked for them. Now, I don’t know if this 12 step program is for me, but what I do know is that I read a couple of things that made such perfect sense to me that I felt a tremendous sense of relief, a sense of liberation.

The first was the description of that “first compulsive bite” Hmmn….the "first compulsive bite". Hey, I know what that is. I know what that feels like. I never thought of it in that way, but I know that feeling, I know when it starts. And if I know when it starts and I can recognize it for what it is, and I can stop it. You mean I can stop it? Wow! I can stop it!

The second was that my habit of overeating was not about the food, which I knew, but about the “eating”. That had never occurred to me. I knew I was in the habit of giving into compulsive overeatering, I recognize that on my blog, but I didn’t know it was more of a clinical diagnosis. Compulsive overeating was a disease, and I had it. But I also had the medication to treat it, abstinence.

This was the first time I saw a direct paralell to other addictive habits like alcoholism.....I was like an alcoholic.......wow......


It would be months before I went to my 1st OA meeting, and I although I only attended about 4-6 meetings (I honestly don't remember), the experience was a positive one. The subject of OA came up again during a conversation before a yoga class last week, and again the next day with someone that overheard part of the first conversation, so I took it as a "sign", lol! (I'm crazy that way) Why was OA brought back into my life?

I never take for granted that anyone reads my blogs, and it doesn't matter, but like I mentioned earlier, if God, The Universe, wants someone to see it, to read it, to get something from my experience then so be it.

God give me the motivation to continue what I'm starting........what I've started.

What was the point again?

Like I mentioned, I've been cooking more than ever, especially pastas and risottos. Pasta is one of my favorite "go to" foods, because it's a pantry staple and you can pair it with any vegetable under the sun. Pasta, veg, olive oil, parmesean (or percorino, goat cheese, feta, etc., or not), you don't even need a protein, but I always have cooked chicken, beef, bacon, canned tuna, anchovies....whatever. However, I only cook 1/2 pound (1/2 pkg.) at a time, because calorie-wise pasta can get out of hand. I'll use lefover pasta to add into my lunch soups....even tossed in a veg salad....delicious with asian dressings!


I've been crazy for brussel sprouts, making brussel spaghetti carbonara, brussel sprout soup, warm, or raw shredded brussel, red onion, and apple salad with, smokey bleu cheese (sauteed in bacon fat, of course, lol), sometimes adding spinach, and a squeeze of lemon. I've been tossing shredded brussels into my weekly cabbage salad mix too. Last year I was crazy for roasting brussels, but I've barley roasted any veggies this year.....I can only explain the change on discovering how to make stocks so quickly and easily in my pressure cooker and eating alot more soups and pressure cooked meals this year.


Speaking of my pressure cooker......good Lord! If you own a pressure cooker and haven't made risotto in it, then you are missing out big time! AND being able to make your own stocks to make risotto with is a bonus! I don't have any pictures of the risottos I've made lately, but I make it at leat once a week, so soon I may have to force a recipe on you, lol. Risotto, pressure cooked or not, is always another "go to" meal because the ingredients are alway on hand in my house. I mean, who doesn't have butter, an onion, arborio rice, wine and/or stock, and parmesan reggiano cheese in their house? (this my inner food snob talking, lol!) Yellow beet, w/beet green risotto, mushroom risotto, winter squash risotto.....and yes, risotto w/thinly sliced brussel sprouts!

But the real prize risotto was the rice pudding risotto.....

Coconut Rice Pudding

1 1/2 c. arborio rice
1-1 1/2 c. sugar
1 can coconut cream (14 oz, not coconut milk, but coconut cream!)
4 c. water
1/2 tsp. salt

Bring to high pressure, cook for 8 min., let pressure come down naturally, remove lid and give it a good stir, and voila!

Add anything else and it's a bonus! Cinnamon, raisins, or other dried fruit, nuts, whatever. Stir in 1 oz. dark chocolate, broken into small bits, into a single serving of hot rice pudding....yum!


One meal I made just a couple of days ago (thursday) was a lamb stew with pappardelle noodles, I'll have to force myself to make it again and share the method and recipe.....this time I may add chick peas....my 19 year old quickly ate all of the leftovers!


Anyway, I guess the point of this blogpost is since I brought up the subject of "infinite food choices" previously, I've decided to expand my food experiences. Although I eat basically the same foods daily, salads and soups, and I believe it's the best, easiest, and most delicious way of supporting the health and lifestyle I want to have, I've made it a point to start enjoying more my talent and love of cooking and start to make things I haven't made in years, if ever. I mean I just made my first batch of butterscotch pudding this afternoon, and the sprouted wheat bread in the fridge is crying out to be made into french toast with maple syrup and bacon....I've been on this bacon kick too, lol! But it'll wait for another time.......

Falling Off of the Face of the Earth....at least the face of the Blogosphere!

Today is Saturday and after my 8:00am yoga class I'm rushing off to teach my swing classes in Palo Alto at our KB studio Girya. I'm training more than ever, I'm cooking more than ever, I just didn't want anyone to think I sitting on my ass somewhere eating bon-bons and watching the "The Real Housewives of New York".....OK I am watching the New York "housewives", afterall the Real Orange County Gals are taking a break, lol!

I haven't been motivated to write, but I certainly can't keep my mouth shut when I talk....good Lord I went off at yoga the other day when I got involved in a conversation about OA (overeaters anonymous), not necessarily in a bad way, but I'll share some of that when I make the time to sit down and write.

But for now, as always, I'm off to yoga.....