Here's the thing.... Is my life great? Is my life cush? Absolutely, without a doubt, which is why I resist complaining about a darn thing. Especially publicly. And here's the other thing.... For the most part, a big, huge "most part" I live a positive life with positive thoughts and positive outcomes. Rarely do I engage in negativity, putting others down, wishing ill or bad luck to anybody else, jealousy, or envy. No one else has anything I think I can't have for myself, if I was honest about being willing to do the work and sacrifices it takes for anything my little heart desires (or for the joy of it, if you look at it that way). And it is this philosophy I most want to feel and have thoughts about in every single second of the day.
Which is why it confuses me when I have the complete opposite feelings and thoughts! This confusion is why I don't write about it. I really don't know how to write about these sort of things, the thoughts and feelings I don't want to have, without perpetuating the exact things I do not want ...whoops, see! If I say these things out loud (which is the same as writing down in black and white, publicly) then I am in fact perpetuating thoughts, habits, and fears I don't want, and risk creating them in my life.
I do not believe in owning,
problems
struggles
desperation
victimization
I do however find myself having old fashioned thoughts and feelings of these things. I think I like that description! "Old fashioned"!
Yes, I do have thoughts that are opposite of what I believe. No, I do not dwell on them, or even believe them, but they occasionally come into my brain. Sometimes they stay in my brain way longer than feels comfortable and I ask myself why. Why am I having these thoughts when I don't believe them?
Example...and it's a big one! Ready? Don't be shocked! It's just a thought.
"Everything that is wrong in my life is because I am fat." Yep, it's true. I actually have these thoughts. (but less and less all the time, and one day, maybe today I will never have these thoughts ever again because these thoughts are not true. These thoughts are just old fashioned habits of thought I used to have, for God only knows what reason.)
"People don't like me because I'm fat. I'm not good at anything because I'm fat. I could be so much more if I weren't fat. Being fat is the cause of any and all of my grief."
Am I fat? Um, no. So why do I have these thoughts and feelings? I really am tired of it all. Aren't I too old for this? I think I am.
I've decided to write about this now because I don't know what else to do about it. On one hand I don't want to be boring and I certainly do not want commiseration or sympathy....yuck. Feelings are not facts. I've had some weird things happen in the past couple of months and I plan on blogging about these experiences. I'm choosing to look at them as "weird" because it's the only way I can not attach too much negative emotion about them.
As much as I have resisted writing about things in my life that others could interpret as "problems" or "struggles" I also have resisted and pulled back on writing and sounding "pie in the sky", as if my life is perfect. I have been choosing to write about training and recipes mostly because at least it's a positive force in my life. There is pie in the sky, and I can enjoy the choice of eating it, or I can just appreciate it's beauty and art. I can interpret it as a symbol of something else, something less literal. Although pie is pretty cool! Pie is just a representation of abundance, wealth (which rhymes with health btw!), goodness, magic and luck. And the sky? Well, the sky is the limit!
Can I have my pie and eat it too? Why not? Bring it.
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