$100 in My Pocket.....Abstinence

So, I discovered what it is I needed to be abstinent from....or did I? "The first compulsive bite"

When someone who eats too much compares themselves with someone who drinks too much (or uses drugs), what is often said is, "You can always stop drinking, but you can't stop eating...you have to eat!", implying that is harder to stop overeating than it is to stop drinking alcohol because you can live without alcohol, but you can't live without food.....partly true.....the part that you have to eat, not that one is easier than the other. Overeaters need to be abstinent from a behavior that is triggered by emotions, and emotion could be triggered by a certain food or a situation.....emotions trigger behaviors like overeating and, I'm assuming, drinking alcohol.

We have to think about abstaining from a "behavior", not "food".....food is not the problem, eating is....how we eat food is....and how do we eat? For me the habit is eating compulsively, and what that means to me is, whatever the emotional reasons are, there's a good possibility when I shove that first bite of food in my mouth when I'm not physically hungry can trigger binge eating. If I can just keep myself from taking that first compulsive bite, then no trigger, no binge......

The biggest part of abstaining from the first compulsive bite is to be able to recognize the first compulsive bite! That's another blogpost......but for now, at the time I was getting this I knew already how to recognize it in my own experience, and because I knew how to recognize it I was positive I could do it! I was so positive I could recognize that first compulsive bite, and be strong enough, have enough will, have enough discipline to not take it, I was so sure that I put a $100 bill in my pocket to give to the first person I laid eyes on the second I failed.......if I failed and took a first compulsive bite. That was the deal I made with myself.....I was betting myself $100 that I could do it! I don't remember how long I lasted but it was a good amount of time! And lucky for me when I lost the bet, I was with Mark, lol, and of course he didn't take it from me....so really what kind bet was it?

So here I am now......obviously I don't still have $100 bill on my pocket, it was not a bet I made again.....and it's not a bet I think I need to make again now.....why not? Well, I'm still figuring it out. Months later I did decide to attend an OA meeting, and I've been reminded of one of my strongest memories from the 4 or 5 meeting I went to, it was a woman that shared that she was celebrating her 40th day of abstinence, and I could remember thinking, "Wow, 40 days, good for her!". I remember feeling the energy of strength and confidence that surrounded her because she felt victorious.....and I wanted that! But the first compulsive bite, that first binge makes you forget. But now I'm reminded.....reminded about abstinence......good Lord, how do I feel about it? Let me think......

7:15 yoga.....I'll meditate on it some more and get back to writing......