Secret Eating part ll

I wrote this post November 19th, 2006, titled "Secret Eating"

Why do we think if no one sees us eat it doesn't count? Or it's not as much as it was? I used to eat in the car on the way home from work, then eat more when I got home, so Mark wouldn't think I ate as much as I did. But I was fat, so I must of been eating alot of food I didn't need. I wasn't "hiding " anything. I was carrying the evidence on my body.

When I see an overweight person I know they are eating too much, and probably the wrong foods, and not exercising enough. One of my favorite responses to the question " How did you lose all that weight?" is, " I stopped doing what was making me fat!". I stopped eating 4000 calories a day and I started exercising.

Now that I've been blogging for a week, I realized how much "secret eating" I had been doing. Yes, I kept a food journal, but not as religously as once had. Somehow really writing everything down keeps you out of denial, and becoming accountable is very motivating. My "secret eating" wasn't so much the amount of calories I was eating, but what kind of calories I was eating. That's what I realized yesterday. And keeping a daily log put it right in front of me.

Since writing this post I've had more insight on this subject, more insight on 'disordered' eating, more insight on the craziness of compulsive overeating, binge eating, more insight on the differences between 'eating' and 'food'. I found myself eating in secret again. What do I mean eating in secret and why do I eat in secret? I can't speak for anyone else but myself, so this is my experience.

First of all, I don't need to eat in secret. This is a free country, I'm a grown adult, I can afford as much food as I want, and it's nobody's business what or how much I eat, including my husbands. So why do I do it? Shame, why else? I mean, it's nothing to be proud of, is it? Hmmnn...nothing to be proud of....what? What I'm overeating, why I'm overeating, or both? When I chose to overeat, I know what I'm doing. I know I'm eating emotionally, and I'm chosing to do it because in some way I think it makes me feel a certain way...better....for a moment. Mark said to me recently, "No one eats ten "6 inch" cookies because they're hungry". I know the difference between eating for fuel and eating, compulsively, foods my body doesn't need.

Secret eating is....quietly going into the kitchen and starting to eat before Mark comes in to see what I'm up to and acting as if I had just taken my first bite...when in actuality I had already eaten much more. Sercret eating is.....buying a bag full of pastries at the bakery and acting as if I'm taking them to share with other people...instead of all for me. Secret eating is.....sneaking food from the 'bulk bins', and looking around to see if anyone notices. That's it! Secret eating is "sneaky"! I DON'T WANT TO BE SNEAKY!

My conclusion is that I've decided to not be ashamed. I can eat whatever I want to, but I don't want to eat behind the backs of my family and friends, because I don't need to. I allow myself to consciously chose to eat whatever I want and how much I want, but when I tell someone or eat in front of someone it makes it visible, instead of invisible, and I find myself eating less food and wanting less food because of it.

There's nothing wrong with me, I don't need to hide.