This is my life, I'm the boss.

"Making weight" for my August competition took me back to food journaling.  You know, when you write down everything you eat, which also means you have to measure your portions by using spoons/cups/scale. I did not food journal in the weeks/months leading up to my April competition....any surprise I did NOT make weight?

I remember a blog post I wrote YEARS ago (I should try and find it) about how I regularly kept a journal, even after the initial 120lb weightloss.  Food journaling was a habit I developed and didn't mind one bit.  I never saw it as a crutch, or a punishment, or really anything negative. In fact I was proud that I stayed so informed about what I was putting in my body on a regular basis, and it reminded me of the choices I needed to make to create the body weight and body composition I wanted. It was a game to me, and it was a joy!  Keeping track of calories was fun and educational.  But one of the comments I received on that particular blog post was from a male reader expressing sadness for me.  Somehow he interpreted my habit of journaling my food/eating/calories as, kind of, a prison.  Whoa.....!

Maybe he was transposing his feelings onto me?  Would it feel like a prison to him if he "had" to write down everything he ate?  I'm guessing he never had the experience of finding himself extremely over weight.

I often compare food journaling to keeping the balance in your checking account.  Every person that lives within their means (and most that thrive financially) keeps a balanced checkbook.  Would this same person feel sorry for those people?  Would this same person feel as if people that balanced their checking account lived in some kind of prison?  What is the difference?

Living in denial, or "wishful thinking" is not taking responsibility.  Keeping a food journal, or balancing your checkbook is about taking responsibility and not playing victim.  I never want to play victim.  Even when I was fat I never blamed anybody or anything else on my condition.  It was me doing the damage.  People that blame credit card companies or the banks for their financial situation are the same kind of people that blame the food industry and/or foods in general for their overweightness.

I never complained about being fat, it was what it was.  I thought there was nothing I could do about it and I accepted what I thought was my genetic predisposition.  When I made up my mind to lose some weight I took responsibility, I journaled, I played the game of calories in, calories out and started to get ahead, to win!  I started swinging a kettlebell and watch my body shape change in a way I only dreamed of before.  The two methods of transformation collided and nothing could stop me.

At the end of each day it is me who is in charge.  I experienced changing and creating amazing things.  I lived 41 years of wishful thinking that didn't exactly produce what truly wanted, or what I saw myself as being capable of.  Then, I spent a handful of years practicing new habits that did create exactly what and how I saw the life I wanted.  Where am I now?

Good question.

I'm 50 years old.  Half way through my life.  I expect to know a few things by now and to be honest I'm shocked at how immature I can think sometimes!  I'm experiencing symptoms of menopause and I get pissed off.  Hot flashes are stupid.  Feeling like I'm still hungry after a full meal is stupid.  I can stay pissed off and blame all kinds of things, but I won't, I can't.

This post was about keeping track, staying aware, creating your own experience.  I mean....creating MY own experience.  It's my life.  I'm the boss.