Listen to what you are saying to yourself. Are you? I am!

I always listen to what I tell myself, and for sure I listen to the words I speak to others about how I describe myself and what I do and how I feel!  I can not speak for anybody else, nor do I want to project what is normal, common, or expected.  Let me explain a bit more....

During one of my yoga classes it is common for a teacher to say something like this to the class "I know this is a hard posture, it's hard for me too!", or "I know some of you hate this posture".  This drives me crazy (because I let it drive me crazy!).  It drives me crazy because, sure, sometimes I feel like a posture is hard, but then I remind myself that "hard" is a feeling not a fact.  If I can't do a posture perfectly, according to the God of yoga, still I try my best, and that's all I can do.  And I really and truly feel that all I can do, on any day, IS in fact the best I can do!  Is it hard to do my best?  Um, no.  I like doing my best, it's not hard at all.  

But I recognize that sometimes, some of us, I mean I, because I can only speak for myself, have been in the habit of saying certain things through reaction, without any real thought.  So, when I lead a swing class knowing that the next progression may be more work than the last (or feel like it!), I have a habit of saying something like....

"Okay, now it's about to get hard...." or "Oh, now the hard stuff is coming!"

Then when I hear what I just said, change it to....

"I mean, about to get fun!" or "Oh, the fun part is coming!"

So many times I want to suggest to my yoga teachers to STOP telling us that the yoga postures are hard, and especially stop telling us what we hate.  Stop already!  The most important thing is that we are all here, and doing our best with what we have today!  I already pay close attention to the things I tell myself about my ability and strength, I don't need someone else to discourage me by reminding me that I can use the excuse of being a victim of my own perceived weakness.  I want my teacher to tell me that it may only feel hard at first, BUT if I just relax and appreciate my wonderful life of choosing to be there, of choosing this practice, what a wonderful opportunity to rise above my perceived suffering, and instead rejoice in the fact that I have a life that affords me this luxury.

blah, blah, blah

Okay....moving on....

My point is that I catch myself reacting to old habits of thought.  Old habits of making excuses for not trying to be my best instead of trusting that I can!  Yes!  I can be my best!

Sometimes it feels easier, out of habit, to say out loud when having conversations with others like;

I am "this way"....I am always late, I'm bad about remembering names, I can't seem to finish projects...
I "always do this"....I lose control, I get lazy, I give up....
My "problem"is this....I'm addicted to...?, I've always been this way, I can't change....
I was always taught to do "this"....I have to clean my plate, I have to take care of others before myself, I'm obligated....
My "issue" is this.....I love sweets, I love chips, I can't lose weight, I've never exercised...
It runs in my family....everybody is overweight, we all have big legs, my family loves food...
I've always been this "way"....I never was popular, my sister (brother) were the stars, or the "smart ones", or the "skinny ones", or the "athletic" ones....OR the "good"ones....
I was always the one that....(fill in the blank) got in trouble, was the chubby one, was the geek....
I can't lose weight because my metabolism is messed up, I have thyroid issues, I always gain it back and more, I can't stay on a diet....
I never win anything....I never get lucky....
Nothing ever turns out right for me....I always get the short end of the stick, I always get caught, or "found out".....if something can go wrong it will go wrong"....
I expect the worst....because only good things happen to other people.....

etc.
etc.
etc.

I'm almost 50 years old, half of my life might very well be over, but I refuse to accept some of this shit.  I refuse to give up control, give up my power of free will and choice.  I may have been in the habit of expecting less, for whatever reasons I may have needed to feel undeserving, but I refuse any longer.

If this is middle age then I welcome it!  So far I've had a wonderful life!  Even with the imperfections and magnified dramas.  I just can't and don't want to make any more room for it!

This August 5th I will turn 50 years old.  Less than two weeks later I will have a 16kg kettlebell waiting on a platform for me.  From this point on I will listen closely to what I say to myself.

I am strong.
I am deserving.
I am a hard worker.
I am competent.
I am smart.
I am capable.
I am...
I am...
I am...
I am...

No one else decides for me.  I am not like everybody else.  I listen to what I say, and I say what I believe I can and want to be....I am not afraid to say what I believe I am.