For some crazy ass reason, I've noticed a few of my fellow yoga practioners losing weight recently.....good for them...kind of, lol! OK, I admit my first feelings about this, at first, were....."What? Why them and not me?" I hate myself." I'm better than them. I train harder than they do. I know more about food, eating and dieting than they do. I'm so freakin' jealous. If I'm so miserable then the whole stinkin' world should be to....well if not miserable, then, at least fatter than me."....am I a selfish bitch or what?
So, as I search for a way to help myself feel better, by finding a reason to prove that I'm the better woman, I find myself being more critical than ever. Why is it that we have to break others down to feel good about ourselves......that's why we like reality shows.....so we can compare how messed up other people's lives are in comparison to ours.
It is a "goal, smoal", of mine to be truly happy for other people. Why is this so hard? Or, at least, why is this so uncomfortable? How long have these kind of feelings been part of our human culture? Or is it just me?
Either way, I know, for a fact, you must, truly, want for others what it is you want for yourself.
I want to be happy. I want to stay happy. And if that means that all of the rest of the world is happy, and skinny, and rich, then that's what makes me happy too!
This rings true on multiple levels for me. I didn't even realize what a covetous person I was/am until my husband gently mentioned it to me a while back. I think, for me, it stems from my need for perfection. Because, for me, perfection means being better than everything than everyone else, when I see someone who is smarter, stronger, faster, skinnier, I feel inadequate. This is and has always been, a pathological need for me, leading to anorexia as a teen and major depression other times. And always leading to my struggling with self-esteem. Acknowledging, though, that my happiness is different from your happiness is different from someone else's has helped me come to terms somewhat with my coveting. Acknowledging, too, that we are all on different paths and are at different points in our paths has been a huge help as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm still wicked jealous that you're doing VO2 max with the frikkin' 16 ;), but I am happy that I am able to do it with the 12 and go heavy snatching the 20 here and there. You are not alone in your journey toward finding a happiness that is not dependent on where you stand in relation to others. But maybe I'll get there first! LOL.
ReplyDeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you bring up self esteem....
I've never felt as if I had low self esteem, in fact I think my problem is the opposite.....I think to highly of myself (I think it's also known as snobbery, lol)
Anyway, it's this high standard, that is totally connected with perfectionism...isn't perfectionism at the root of most of our "problems" (I hate using that word....yikes)....
I just need to drop this pretend competition with everyone else on the planet....another one of my "goal smoals"
I have actually been thinking about this lately. Why is it I feel a pang of jealousy when I see friends doing amazing things? I should be happy for them, but instead I wish it was me, haha! I know that I rock on so many levels (huge ego?) so why can I just not be happy with that?!
ReplyDeleteMust be this perfectionism that you guys talk about!
Ah well, we are just mere humans!
Annika,
ReplyDeleteI'm with you...."We rock"